Here we go…

2 Feb

Well, tomorrow is the big day – B’s surgery. This is the day we’ve been waiting almost a year for. And, I’m completely freaked out. I read a study yesterday that said with that surgery only 6 out of 14 patients had fertility restored. My mom made a good point and said that it was probably an old study and we don’t know the ages or circumstances of the patients. That helped a little. I am just terrified. With this whole TTC journey, it’s been one step forward and 10 steps back. For every piece of seemingly good news we get, we get another that completely knocks us on our ass. I just want it to go our way for once!!! But, I have to keep reminding myself that this whole thing is panning out EXACTLY as it should. But, it’s so hard to keep that when I’m in it. Plus, we are going to have to pay another $3,000 tomorrow. So, the financial burden isn’t helping. It’s just completely stressful and not fun. Shouldn’t baby making be fun? Even the “fun” part becomes chorelike when we’re in the middle of the meds and what not. I know in the end it’ll be worth every freak out, every tear, every stressful day. We will finally have our heart’s desire and be parents. But, that doesn’t make it any less hard getting there.

Send us prayers and positive vibes tomorrow that the surgery is a success!

Update

27 Jan

Have I used that title before? Who knows.

I just wanted to pop in and say we got B’s surgery scheduled – for next friday!! Woo hoo!!! I’m cautiously optimistic. I don’t want to get my hopes up in case it doesn’t work. But, I want to send good vibes out into the universe that this damn thing works!

I’ll update after the surgery to say how it goes. In the meantime, pray for us that it’s a success!

New Year – New Start

30 Dec

Well, 2011, it’s time we part ways. You’ve been as sucky as you’ve been great. I’ve both loved and hated you. But, now I’m ready to move on to greener pastures.

2011 and I, as you can tell, had a love/hate relationship. The year started off pretty crappy – everyone I knew was getting pregnant just by looking at their significant other and I couldn’t get pregnant no matter how hard I tried. I met my fertility specialist Dr. M and got what I thought was good news. Then, after B’s tests, we found out we had another set back on the road to babyville. The first half of the year was filled with doctor’s appointments and disappointments. Oh, and add B getting laid off to the mix. Good stuff.

May 1 rolls around. B and I head to the beach to celebrate our 1 year wedding anniversary. We decide to take the year off of TTC. It was getting to be too much and was really effecting our new marriage.

Enter the YEAR OF FUN! After deciding to take the year off, we had a ton of fun. We went to his parent’s lake house almost every weekend. We took a trip to the beach with my family. We even planned a trip to San Francisco in September for my 28 birthday. Over the summer all the babies were born and all I could feel was love for these little babies and happiness for my friends and loved ones.

In November, as you know, we decided to jump back on the baby train earlier than expected and had yet another set back. After some researching of the insurance company and some prayer, we decided to go ahead and pay the 6k and fight it after the fact. I’m fairly certain we have a great shot at winning it and getting paid back. And, in the grand scheme of things, 6k is a small price to pay for finally being able to have a baby.

So, I’m ready for 2012. I’m sure there will be some setbacks and some hard times. But, if I’ve learned anything from 2011 it’s that everything will work out exactly how it’s supposed to. There’s a plan out there for me, and B, and us – even if we’re unsure of exactly what it is.

Here’s some photos in a look back at our year!

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Celebrating our anniversary

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Lake fun

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San Francisco

Miscellaneous Monday

12 Dec

Did I spell miscellaneous right? If not, oh well.

I know I haven’t posted in a while. It’s cause I haven’t really had much to say. I try to come up with clever posts, but I just can’t. Or, I think I’ll take pictures and I don’t. I also realize I do all of my posting at work, and I can’t very well bring in my camera and start uploading pics onto the old work computer, now can I?

So, I figured I’d do a little miscellaneous post and cover all the little non important posts that have been floating around in my noggin.

  • I got my Christmas groove back this year. Last year I was in a MAJOR funk – going through all my infertility junk, finding out that everyone and their brother was pregnant, and spending my first Christmas ever away from my family. It was not pretty. I didn’t even up up our tree and it was our first Christmas as a married couple and in our house. But, this year, I’m back bitches. The house is decorated within and inch of it’s life (if, by house you mean living room, which I do), I’ve been listening to my Glee Holiday Pandora station for the better part of a month. I’m almost entirely done shopping. Hooray for Christmas! Oh, and the best part, it’s our Christmas to spend with my family, making it that much better!
  • B and I went shopping yesterday to the amazingness that is Nordstrom Rack. I was in heaven. Except that B is not a good shopper, so he pulled me out of there way before I was ready. But, reedeming him, was the almost purchase of an amazing pair of Tory Burch heels. But, they only size we could find was a half freakin size too big. I tried to will them to not slip off my heel. No dice. Sad face. They were beautiful. Sigh.
  • Speaking of getting my Christmas groove back, my weekend was filled with Christmas delightfulness. Saturday, my friends came over and the 4 of us drank champagne and made cookies. That night, I joined B for a party with his friends. That was not so delightful. But, you know, I had to be a good wife and stuff so I had to go. Then, yesterday, after the holiday shopping, I made Christmas cookies for our cookie swap tomorrow. I’m also going to make more Christmas cookies tonight. Mmmmm….
  • I’m still figuring out how to tackle B’s latest surgery setback. His parents kind of lit a fire under us to fight it on the front end rather than pay the 6 g’s before and hope to get reimbursed. So, we’ll see how that turns out. Also, I hate insurance companies.
  • I got some new perfume yesterday. I LOVE it! It’s Chanel Coco Madameoiselle. It smells so feminine. And, the best part, it sticks around all day. I can still smell it on me. Not so with the other perfumes I’ve tried.

Ok, I think that concludes my brain dump.

To thank you all for sticking around, here are a few iPhone pictures to prove my Christmas groove!

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How sweet are those babies in their Christmas jammies! That was our Christmas card this year.

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How awesome is it that I got the cat in a Santa outfit!

Seriously?!

2 Dec

Yet another pop culture reference in my title. Grey’s Anatomy – you know, from back in the early days when it was still good and George and Izzie were still on the show.

I said I’d keep the blog updated with all of our fertility stuff as it arises. After multiple conversations with the doctor’s office and the insurance company, I felt pretty good about getting B’s surgery covered. At least most of it. The procedure to actually fix the blockage may or may not be covered. I went in with high hopes, and called to schedule the surgery. They called back and said that we’d have to pay the uncovered part up front. How much would we have to pay, you ask? SIX THOUSAND EFFING DOLLARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Up front. Before Christmas. Before they’d even schedule the friggin surgery. Six. Thousand. Dollars. Yes, they take a payment plan. Yes, it still has to be paid in full before they’ll schedule it.

I felt like we were making some headway with this thing. I felt like we might actually be able to afford it. Now, I just don’t know. I know that in the grand scheme of things, 6 grand to have a baby is nothing. But, for people who don’t have that kind of money, it’s a lot to swallow. When we started actively TTC a year and a half ago, I figured I’d take a round or two of Clomid and that would be that. Easy peasy. I feel like for every step forward we take in this process, we’re blown back 10. It’s so discouraging and frustrating. I know I said I’d trust the process and keep the faith. BUt, right now, I’m really struggling with it.

In other news, my friend P90X lasted all of one day. We’re awesome.

Workin on My Fitness

28 Nov

Like my old Fergie reference there in the title? Yeah, I’m awesome.

So, after the hubs and I enjoyed not 1, not 2, but THREE Thanksgiving dinners over the weekend, we decided we needed to get off our lazy butts and start working out. B bought P90X over a month ago, but something always got in the way of us starting it. Namely, laziness. I HATE working out with a fierce passion. I’ve tried and tried to like it. I just don’t. I’m Sorry. I can’t. Don’t hate me. (and a Sex and the City reference ftw!). But, 3 massive meals, plus all the crappy ones in between, really motivated me. So, after massive meal 3 yesterday, we went to GNC to get some suppliments and some protein powder. Then, we went to Wal-Mart to get some more equipment (yoga mat, weights, and a pull up bar). After all that, and the work out system itself, we have invested quite a bit of cash to this endeavor. Ah, money, the great motivator. We basically HAVE to work out since we’ve thrown so much money at this thing.

I am always working on my weight. I’ve done Weight Watchers a few times, always falling off the wagon about 5 months in. I’m the queen of “i’ll start eating better on Monday” or “well, I can eat Wendy’s for dinner b/c I ate a small lunch”. I can rationalize my “dieting” better than anyone. But, it’s getting ridiculous. I am uncomfortable with my body. . I’m not going to plaster my current weight all over the internet, but I will say that I want to lose between 30-35 lbs. I know that P90X is supposed to make you gain muscle, so that number could change. I am between a size 10 or 12, and FOR ME, it’s not where I want to be. I guess I’d like to go from my current size down to like a 6. Or to be able to wear skinny jeans or jeggings and not feel/look like a tub of lard. Again, this is how I PERSONALLY feel about MYSELF. FOR ME, I don’t like my body right now.

Let me tell you, this workout is INTENSE. I only made it 25 of 57 minutes. And waking up at 4:45 to do the workout doesn’t help either. But, I’m hoping that the weight loss will be enough of a motivator. Plus, B doing it with me helps. And, now that I’ve told you fine folks that I’m doing it – I sort of have to. I can’t lose face on the blog! I’ll keep you posted on how this thing turns out! Wish us luck!

I couldn’t help but wonder…

22 Nov

While perusing the internets today (at work…shhhhh…), I came across a picture that made me pause and really make me thankful for where my life is right now (see what I did there – thankful – it’s Thanksgiving week…). What was this photo? It was a picture from my hometown newspaper’s “party pics” section. It was taken this past summer at some sort of calendar girl search at a college-type bar. The photo was of my ex-boyfriend, surrounded by co-eds is cheap dresses clutching both him and a Michelob Ultra (no judgement there, I too enjoy a good Mich Ultra). He is 31. At a college bar. Oh, and he graduated a good 6.5 years ago.

He and I broke up about 4 or 5 years ago. I’ll never view him as “the one that got away”. He is the one I ran away from. That toxic relationship that I had to physically remove myself from (him and everyone I knew and loved) – having moved 600 miles away to finally make a clean break. So, seeing him EXACTLY where he was when we broke up all those years ago makes me pause and be thankful. Not only have I moved from that town, I’ve met and married the most amazing man I have ever met, I own my own home, I have a great and fulfilling career. Basically, I’m a grown up and he is not. In short – I win! :)

But, I couldn’t help but wonder (very, very fleetingly) where I would be if I hadn’t physically removed myself from that situation. And I found out I couldn’t. I’ve come so far and am so happy with where I am, I couldn’t even imagine it.

It also made me think of a quote from the greatest TV series of. all. time: Sex and the City. The wise Carrie Bradshaw once said:

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous.

My wonderful husband has opened me up to the new and exotic, brought me to unexpected places and far from where I started. And he loves the me I love. And that’s the best part.

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